Why not Beelzebub?
Last week, I was at Carl’s Jr at the mall in downtown Sacramento. I’m eating my Super Star with cheese (no lettuce), when one of the many young mother’s giving her kids a jump start on heart disease and clogged arteries (like I'm one to talk) yells at her kid, “Malachi, get back over here!” Malachi? A google search tells me that Malachi is Hebrew for “messenger of God”, but a search of my memory tells me that Malachi was one of the main creepy characters in the 1984 movie ‘Children Of The Corn.' Now, I’m sure that watching ‘Children of the Corn’ now would induce many bouts of laughter, but when I was a kid, that movie just plain scared the crap out of me. Therefore, naming your child Malachi after 1984 is simply not an option. I mean, c’mon, Damien is Greek for “sweet and harmless”, but anyone who saw ‘The Omen’ knows that little fucker was neither sweet nor innocent. He was the spawn of Satan. So young mothers of America, I know you want a unique name for your precious child, but please, for the sake of us Gen X’ers, cross Malachi and Damien off of your list.