7.13.2005

Larry David and John Bolton

There are a ton of reasons to oppose John Bolton as U.S. Ambassador to the U.N. For one, he is on record as despising the UN. Furthermore, it has been shown that he knowingly omits or adds information to reports to fit his preconceived notions. When people refuse to doctor information for him, he works to get them fired. He’s also happens to be a horrible boss, losing control and freaking out on people when reality doesn’t fit his outlook (he’s been known to actually chase people).

The first couple of things I mentioned are the most important reasons to oppose him, but his asshole nature as a boss is what has become the focus, since most of us have had asshole bosses. Well, Larry David (co-creator of Seinfeld and star of Curb Your Enthusiasm) wrote a hilarious piece for the Huffington Post where he empathizes with poor old Mr. Bolton:

I know this may not sound politically correct, but as someone who has abused and tormented employees and underlings for years, I am dismayed by all of this yammering directed at John Bolton. Let's face it, the people who are screaming the loudest at Bolton have never been a boss and have no idea what it’s like to deal with nitwits as dumb as themselves all day long. Why, even this morning my moronic assistant handed me a cup of coffee with way too much milk in it. I was incensed.

"You stupid ignoramus," I screamed, doing all I could to restrain myself from tossing the luke-warm liquid in her face. “There's too much freaking (I didn’t say freaking) milk in here! What the freak is wrong with you?!”

“I’m sorry, sir,” she stammered. Like sorry’s going to fix everything. I’m not interested in sorry. Sorry doesn’t cut it with me.

“Look, you idiot,” I continued, “I wouldn’t mind so much if you gave me too little milk. Little can be fixed. We can add to little.”

“Shall I get you another cup?”

“No, I’ll suck on my thumb. Yes, get me another cup, you douche bag! And chew on this -- it’s going to cost you a dollar!”

This, of course, brought on the requisite tears. At which point I'd had enough and began chasing her down the hall where she took refuge in the bathroom. Boo-hoo. Poor thing!

Meanwhile, I’m the one who had to go into the kitchen and make my own coffee! And guess what? I missed a very important phone call from this masseuse whom I’d been trying to get an appointment with forever!!

(Sorry about all the exclamation points, but you can see how worked up I get over this Bolton business!)

There is one thing, though, I’ll guarantee: that will be the last time she puts in too much milk. So get to work, Bolton. Show these other countries who’s the boss.

Brilliant! Larry David obviously has a lucrative writing career ahead of him. He doesn’t need the money, but we need the entertainment.
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