3.09.2006

America's #1 Paranoid-Schitzophrenic


Bill O'Reilly's journey into madness continues....

Bill O'Reilly, the conservative blowhard notorious for yelling "SHUT UP!" to anyone who refuses to cowed by his faux-macho bullying,is now convinced that "local authorities" give a shit about protecting his radio program from callers who disagree with him.

Here's the setup: Bill O'Reilly is a pompous ass, and Kieth Olbermann, who hosts the only watchable cable news show, gets a kick out of mocking O'Reilly's various idiotic escapades (and there are a LOT of them). So O'Reilly doesn't really like Keith Olbermann.

So, here's a word of advice: If You call Bill O'Reilly's radio show, DO NOT MENTION KEITH OLBERMANN!!!! If you do, the Gates of Hell will be opened on you.

The following exchange actually happened, it is not a joke:
O'REILLY: Orlando, Florida. Mike, go.

CALLER: Hey, Bill, I appreciate your taking my call.

O'REILLY: Sure.

CALLER: I like to listen to you during the day. I think Keith Olbermann's show --

O'REILLY: There you go, Mike is -- he's a gone guy. You know, we have his -- we have your phone numbers, by the way, so if you're listening, Mike, we have your phone number. And we're going to turn it over to Fox security, and you'll be getting a little visit.

E.D. HILL (co-host): Maybe Mike is from the mothership.

O'REILLY: No, maybe Mike's going to get in big trouble, because we're not gonna play around. When you call us, ladies and gentlemen, just so you know, we do have your phone number. And if you say anything untoward, obscene, or anything like that, Fox security then will contact your local authorities, and you will be held accountable. Fair?

HILL: That's fair.

O'REILLY: So just -- all you guys who do this kind of a thing, you know, I know some shock jocks, whatever -- you will be held accountable. Believe it. We'll be right back.
I'm sure Mike is shaking in his boots. Can you imagine the conversation between "Fox Security" and the Orlando Police Department?

"Hi, is this the Orlando Police Department? Oh, hi, this is Greg from Fox Security. What? Oh Fox, like the News Channel. Anyways, I wanted to report a guy named Mike. Mike who? Uh....I don't know but we do have his phone number, just in case you didn't know, when you call a radio station, we keep your number. His phone number is 555-555-5555. He called Bill O'Reilly's radio show and mentioned Kieth Olbermann. What? Olbermann, he's a poopyhead talk show host. Anyways the whole thing was very untoward. So yeah, if you could, like, arrest him or something, that would be mighty cool. He needs to be held accountable. It's only fair. We don't play around here at Fox. Believe it.

Did I mention that we have his phone number? Hello....? Hello...?"
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