Your Kid Is Not Cool

Man, I wish parents would stop trying to make their toddlers and pre-teen kids "cool". I was in this shopping center and noticed a place called "Cool Cuts For Kids". Um, what? Kids get their own salon now? As I was trying to digest this, I saw another store called "Hip Baby". Babies aren't supposed to be hip, they're supposed to be stupid and disgusting. And trust me, yours is.

This trend of "cool kids" must stop. You're going to get enough attitude and arrogance from them when they hit middle school. Why encourage it from the day they are born?

Humiliate your child. Go out of your way to make them an uncool nerd. The world needs it. Take your kid to the goddamn barber shop and buy their clothes at K-Mart. Kids should have to suffer the indignities of wearing Traxx or Pro-Wings. The opposite sex should have cooties for as long as possible. Braces? As long as they are prominent, preferably with headgear. None of this invisible braces crap. Their musical world should revolve around Raffi. Social awkwardeness at a young age builds their social immune system. They'll be better for it. Society will be better for it. Sure, there is a slight chance that they may shoot up a school or something, but even that is better than these douchebag "hip" kids who are just going to grow up to be cocky douchebag adults.

Basically what I'm trying to say is this: If I see another baby with a CBGB's shirt on, someone will die. Your baby shits himself. No need to try and convince me he listens to the Ramones. CBGB's shirts are reserved for adult poseur (and yes, fuckers, it's poseur, not poser) assholes who have never even been to New York and will never be as cool as they think they are.

You know, people like me.
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