Muffins & Bumper Stickers

It's really sad to be in your thirties and not know some of the basic things in life. Yet on a daily basis, that's the position I find myself in. So I have a couple of questions:

1) Is there a trick to eating a muffin which doesn't involve it breaking into a billion pieces and ending up all over my desk and my clothes? I swear it's like I'm playing Asteroids, every piece i try to eat breaks into two or more smaller pieces. Then those pieces break up. After a while I may as well roll up a dollar bill and snort the goddamned muffin dust. There must be a better way.

2) How the hell do you put a bumper sticker on properly to avoid the air bubbles? I guess I'm just not patient enough in my bumper-sticker-putting-on ways, I just slap that puppy on and then step back and think how shitty it looks with all these freaking air bubbles. What is the proper bumper-sticker-putting on method?
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