7.12.2008

happy cow shit & the magical punk elf

Photobucket Photobucket I was walking in front of a Carl's, Jr in Riverside (don't ask) this morning when I saw a piece of lined paper with some writing on it. And whenever I see a piece of lined paper with writing on it, I pick it up. Cause you never know. Today, it paid off. Above is the paper in question. I've reproduced the text below. All typos and misspellings are as they appeared in the original text. In bold are the words I could not figure out. This is the greatest thing I've ever found. Ready? Here we go:
Prologue The life of a younge lad whos interest in music was vast and wid. The kookie tree was full of cookies when all of a sudden a rumbling rumble rumbled the house. All the kookies on the walls fell, off the shelfs, crashing to the floor in a cookie crumble mess, which was worse than the time Michael Jay Fox grew a beard. The tree filled with crumbled cookies attracted many animals of the ravenous type. With their teeth exposed they kindly asked for some kookies. But they were too stupid to realize they were dying. They all had cancer, everyone did. Then the years passed and there was no hero. Wigs were the high selling aparel. Five thousand a pop. Only the ritch could afford hair. So Mr. Freeze was out of luck. The radics made gangs to rob truck carrying wigs, and sell them on the black market. Some wigs had bombs in them and people died. Then as the human population was in a freefall, a hero arose! This hero was known as happy cow shit. Happy cow shit was a super-human cow. This cow could cure cancer by smoking ciggaretss and producing milk, his mother was was a spanish prostitude with nine toes. She died from cancer. This little cow's milk had the potential to write music too, not just any music, punk music. Oi! Some songs this magical elf could play were “Anarchy in the U.K.” “God save the queen” “kill a hippie” and actuallity is dead”
(At this point the handwriting changes and a pen is used. Obviously a new writer took over. I prefer writer #1. It's sort of like Alice Randall taking over for Margret Mitchell [You like that, SC?])
Then the elf realized Punk sucked and killed himself like the emo bitch he was. Everyone was happy cause the elf sucked more then happy cow shits mom. The elf cut off his toes and let himself bleed to death after watching power rangers, and realizing he could never be the pink ranger. He called the doctor to see about a pink taco but the doctor hated the elfs shitty music so he denied him the surgery. The elf soon started dressing as a girl and attempted to join the new york dolls but they hated him so they denied him membership. That night he stood in front of the mirror That night he felt the filth of rejection and took the first shower of his life. As he stepped out of the shower he looked up at his reflection in the mirror he realized his dreams could never come
And it ends there. I'd like to think that this goes on for pages and pages. Keep in mind, this is just the prologue. Yes, the author is familiar with the concept of a prologue. I'd like to know what happened to the animals of the ravenous type. I'd like to know if Mr. Freeze finally gets a wig. I need to know when Michael J Fox grew a beard. I need to know where the cookies/kookies fit in. But most of all, I need to know the fate of Happy Cow Shit. I'd like to know if his milk spawned any more magic elves. By the way, my favorite part of this whole thing is that writer #2 actually edited something out. Apparently, upon deeper reflection, he felt the story needed some extra nihilistic oomph. I am not kidding when I say I will be selling the original manuscript on eBay.
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