Sometimes I joke (though, it's absolutely true) that when I was in middle school, I was into "underground hair metal". What does that look like? In a nutshell, Helix.

This video brings back a lot of memories, mostly of how me and Mark like to replace the "Rock" with another four letter word. Cause we were intellectual, see. Strangely, one memory it does not bring back is of all the bazongas (hello! 49 second mark!) flapping about. We must have seen a PG version, because I'm pretty if I saw this version I would have never left the house. It would have been Wankapalooza '84. Not even Brian Vollmer's (the singer) creepiness could kill that boner.

The guy who introduced me to the magically cheesy world of Helix was this kid Ted, who had scared me into being his friend.

I didn't know Ted at all, but one day, for whatever reason, I decided to mock him. Bad idea. I wasn't a complete fatass at that point, so I was able to evade and outrun him when he went after me. I forgot about the incident. Ted did not. And the next morning I got socked in the jaw. In the aftermath it was determined that we both liked metal so we should be friends. I don't remember having a say in this matter. All I know is that Ted scared the shit out of me, and if he wanted to be friends, then fuck it, we were friends. Apparently, part of this "friendship" meant that I had to go pick him on my bike on the way to school. Except that once I got to his house, Ted got to ride the bike and hike me. So Madman Ted drove wildly through the streets and sidewalks of Lemoore, kicking over trashcans, while I white-knuckled it on the motherfucking handlebars. Once we would make it to PW Engvall middle school, after I kissed the ground like the pope, all I could do was dreadfully anticipate the nightmare bike journey home.

But Ted did have a pretty extensive tape collection. Helix and Armored Saint were the two bands I most remember him getting me hooked on. Two bands absolutely not worth risking life and limb for, but hey, lemons/lemonades, amirite?
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