Friday Shitlist IV: Muppets Take Manhattan

1. Drunken NBA stars crashing their SUV while watching porn and masturbating in supermarket parking lots.

While the Timberwolves were introducing their 2006 draft picks at Target Center on Thursday, current center Eddie Griffin was served with a civil suit accusing him of crashing his SUV into a parked car because he was drunk and watching a pornographic DVD.

2. Burning ManI don’t know much about Burning Man, all I know is a bunch of hippies, wanna-be hippies, and people-who-like-to-think-of-themselves-as-“different”-even-though-if-you-scratch-the-surface-of-their-personalities-they’re-pretty-much-the-same-as-everyone-else gather out in the desert, have sex, don’t shower, and act all “crazy” with their “crazy” piercings and tattoos. And then they burn the “man” down. Hence, Burning Man.

I sort of assumed, in the hippie-alternative-free love communal spirit, Burning Man was an impromptu mass gathering that was free for anyone who wanted to trek out to the desert.

Nope.

It has come to my attention that you have to buy an expensive ticket to Burning Man. There goes any notion I had that Burning Man was in any way, shape or form, a subversive event. Sell-outs. I’ve been told they "need" the money to provide security, permits, and toilets. Yeah, well so does Applebee’s. Good God, your stinky hippie forbearers would be ashamed of you. Actually, probably not, they’re probably the sellouts collecting the money.

You know how sometimes you’ll see those bikers? They have a Harley, full on bad-ass leather biker clothes. A vest with some motorcycle club name on it. At first, glance, you’re kind of intimidated. Whoa, a biker. I hope he doesn’t kick my ass six ways to Sunday for looking at him wrong. But then you find out he’s actually a harmless, nerdy accountant with a biker hobby on the side. It's pretty much just an act to make their boring, placid lives a little exciting. Well, I am now convinced all the Burning Man people fit into that same mold. Frauds.

3. Clarence Thomas

In a dissent form a decision that ruled the President had breached his Constitutional limits in Guantanamo Bay, Supreme Court Justice and Bush (President Bush, that is) worshipper Clarence Thomas made an ass of himself. Par for the course, but this time his stupidity and arrogance cannot slide.

Justice Thomas refers to Justice (John Paul) Stevens’ “unfamiliarity with the realities of warfare”; but Stevens served in the U.S. Navy from 1942 to 1945, during World War II. Thomas’s official bio, by contrast, contains no experience of military service.

What is it with these idiots who never served insisting on questioning the service of those who did? First it was John Kerry, then John Murtha, and now Justice Stevens.

4. Bill O’ReillyMachoMan O’Reilly gave a vision of what Iraq would look like if he were president.

See, if I’m president, I’ve got probably another 50-60,000 with orders to shoot on sight anybody violating curfews. Shoot ‘em on sight. That’s me. President O’Reilly, curfew in Ramadi, 7 o’clock at night. You’re on the street, you’re dead. I shoot you right between the eyes. OK?That’s how I’d run that country—just like Saddam ran it. Saddam didn’t have explosions. He didn’t have bombers, did he? Because if you got out of line, you’re dead.

Well, Bill, if your "solution" is to just emulate the "problem", genius, why didn’t we just leave Saddam in power in the first place? It’s not like it was some unknown mystery that it took an evil bastard in order to keep the Shiite, Sunni, and Kurd factions in Iraq from killing each other, no matter what Christopher Hitchens says this week.

5. CentipedesFuck centipedes.