Recap of Thurday's The Office

Best episode ever? Consider:

Question: What kind of bear is best?

IDENTITY THEFT IS NOT A JOKE JIM.

Every week I'm suppose to take 4 hours and do a quality spot check at the paper mill and, of course, the one year I blow it off, this happens.

This day, is bananas, b-a-n-a-n-a-s!

That's what she saiNO TIME!

The only difference between me and a homeless man is this job

You guys are NO LONGER LOSERS!

DINGO BABIES

Lord beer me strength

Pam, run a comb through your hair.

We didn't do anything illegal... except knock over a mailbox with her friends

I'm calling the ungrateful biotch hotline!

You couldn't stand a SWAT team

an escape goat

Hey Karen, want to get together later and have sexual intercourse, because you're my girlfriend?

I have literally apologized an infinite number of times over this (this was on one of the cue cards)

I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable. Goat on chicken, chicken on goat, couple of chickens doing a goat, couple of pigs watching.. Whoever drew this got it exactly right

Well, I like fast food, and I like Seinfeld...

BTW, the McDLT was fantastic. Why they keep regurgitating that McRib abomination and not the McDLT, I have no idea.

Rudy Giuliani Is A Very Smart Person

/sarcasm.

“If any Republican is elected president —- and I think obviously I would be the best at this —- we will remain on offense and will anticipate what [the terrorists] will do and try to stop them before they do it,” Giuliani said.

So, even though Bush was president and Giuliani was mayor of New York on 9/11, when Republicans are in office, things like 9/11 will not happen. Except when they do. Then it's Clinton's fault.

Dana Rohrabacher Is A Wonderful Human Being

/sarcasm

At one point, Rohrabacher argued that imprisoning and torturing one innocent person was a fair price to pay for locking up 50 terrorists who would “go out and plant a bomb…and kill 20,000 people.” When members of the audience groaned, Rohrabacher said, “Well, I hope it’s your families, I hope it’s your families that suffer the consequences.”

Religious Vomit

Not that more evidence was necessary, but just in case you needed more proof that Scientologists are

A) disgusting opportunists:

Scientology's Volunteer Vultures have descended upon the grief-stricken Virginia Tech campus.

VT senior Christie Weaver, a psychology major, confirmed their presence on Thursday...

"Yeah, those fuckers are here," she said, noting that she "has not seen anyone speak to them because they wear these bright yellow shirts that say 'Scientology Volunteer Minister.' They stick out like sore thumbs, especially given that they look very L.A.'d out and we're in the mountains of Virginia."

On Friday, Weaver told Radar, "Yesterday they just walked around campus without being obtrusive, but today they set up a bright yellow tent about 100 yards from the memorial."

The tent, similar to the ones celebrity Scientologist Tom Cruise routinely pitches on movie sets, is situated near another tent where victims' memorial boards are on display, so when aggrieved students come to pay their respects, they get accosted by the culties. "It's sick," says Weaver. "They can leave and take the media with them."

and B) completely insane.

John Travolta doesn’t suffer from lack of ego. The “Wild Hogs” star recently boasted that he was as big a star as Elvis Presley and Marilyn Monroe — but didn’t suffer the same fate as them because of his values and religion.

“I have fame on the level of a Marilyn Monroe or an Elvis, but part of the reason I didn’t go the way they did was because of my beliefs,” Travolta told the Irish Independent.

Elvis, Marilyn Monroe, and Vinny Barbarino. Sounds about right.

Not that Scientology is any more or less fucked up than Christianity.

Keepin' It Real

Am I missing something, or is Cam'ron the dumbest person on Earth?

Maybe I'm too old, suburban, and white to understand the whole Baltimore "Stop Snitchin'" thing, but I thought it pertained to drug dealing and gang activity. I had no idea it applied to the Jeffrey Dahmer's of the world. According to Cam'ron, it does.

Cam'ron, whose real name is Cameron Giles, talks to Anderson Cooper for a report on how the hip-hop culture's message to shun the police has undermined efforts to solve murders across the country...

"If I knew the serial killer was living next door to me?" Giles responds to a hypothetical question posed by Cooper. "I wouldn't call and tell anybody on him -- but I'd probably move. But I'm not going to call and be like, 'The serial killer's in 4E.' "

Well if The Lopper needs a roomie, he knows who to ask first.

Virginia Tech

Thoughts go out to all of those affected by yesterday's tragedy at Virginia Tech (nice MSNBC tribute here). I hesitate to join those who have already started using the events to further their own agendas, but I'm human and I have a blog, so here goes.

Writing

It has been revealed that the shooter wrote violent stories in his English class. I wrote some pretty violent stories in English class. Lots of people do. It's not uncommon, and personally, I don't see it as relevant. Would you feel better if he wrote about rainbows and ice cream?

Blog Courage

I can't even imagine what I would do faced with that sort of situation. In my head, I would like to think I'd be the fearless hero, risking his life to save the lives of others. Who deosn't think that? But in reality, there is a very high probablility that I would freeze, hide, or do some other "cowardly" thing in the name of self preservation. That risk-my-life gene is in very few of us. Some people at Virginia Tech did have that gene, and they (or their memory) should be honored. Those who didn't have nothing, NOTHING, to feel shame for. That seems pretty obvious, right? Well, predictably, there are people like Nathaniel Blake who do indeed think those who survived should be ashamed.

Something is clearly wrong with the men in our culture. Among the first rules of manliness are fighting bad guys and protecting others: in a word, courage. And not a one of the healthy young fellows in the classrooms seems to have done that...I don’t know if I would live up to this myself, but I know that I should be heartily ashamed of myself if I didn’t.

No, Blake, something is wrong with you, and you should feel "heartily ashamed" for thinking, much less writing, that sort of pompous horseshit. But, Manly Man Nate is just echoing the sentiments of Macho Man John Derbyshire, who not only seems to think he'd confront a psychopath with two guns who is shooting everyone in sight, he also fancies himself a Rambo-like warrior who would have taken on the Iranian Military and started WWIII, unlike those British sailor pussies.

Unsurprisingly, these are the same folks who are gung-ho about Iraq, willing to send just about anyone but themselves to fight while they cheer from the sidelines. I believe they have a word for that.

My point is that these "why didn't they do this or that" scenarios are pointless, and I think they demean those who have just been through probably the most traumatic thing they will ever face in life. Derbyshire, Blake, all of your ilk, please shut up. You're making fools of yourselves, which usually I applaud, but not in these circumstances.

Islamophobia

Just as bad, we have the Debbie Schlussels of the world, who are just DYING for this to be related to a Muslim. Nothing would make them happier. They have their own racist conspiracies, but you'll hear no apologies when the facts don't support their lunatic ranting and raving. They'll just turn to immigration or some other reason to blame non-lily white America. It's what they do.

Gun Control

While bodies were still be counted, predictably, the gun control vs. arm-everyone debate flared up. I tend to be on the gun control side, but not passionatley so. I could probably be convinced that some kid with a concealed weapon would have taken the shooter out before the body count got too high. I could also be convince that having a bunch of armed students and faculy would lead to many tragedies smaller in scope, yet more frequent. It's not an easy question, and I don't think either approach would have mattered. All that's happened is that previous points of view have been hardened. The pro-gun people are more pro-gun, seeing an aremed public as a deterrent to madmen. The anti-gun crowd is more anti-gun, seeing 33 people mowed down by two not-so glamorous weapons in the hands of one not-so-sane individual. There are merits to both sides, yet each will act like the other are the craziest mofos on Earth. So it goes.

I propose we not have any debates or dialogues about guns or our "violent culture" at all. The status quo is going to remain. Nothing is going to be done, because really, short of a police state, what can be done? Atrios, as usual, has assessed the situation correctly. Unfortunately, these things are going to happen. Let's just hope that they are rare.

Bush

Liberal Brothers, please resist temptation on this one. I've seen some (well, one)left wing blogs getting their digs on Bush for, um, something. Lord knows, I am counting the days until that fraud is out of office, but to say the President shouldn't speak after a tragedy like this is heading into a zone of absolutism that I'm not comfortable with.

Bush didn't give a bad speech; he didn't give a great speech. He went, he did his best to comfort the students, and he didn't try to tie the situation to terrorism, Saddam Hussein, abortion, gay marriage, or anything else. Good enough for me.

So

What happened at VT was a tragedy. And tragedy almost always leads to stupidity. I guess it's sort of our national coping mechanism. But stupidity is still stupidity.

Here's to shutting up, to letting the dead be buried and remembered, to letting the heroes be honored, to letting the heartbroken be comforted, and to taking one's own advice.

Carlos Mencia Is A Thieving Tool

There are plenty of examples of Carlos Mencia (aka Ned Holness) stealing material from other comedians, as the Joe Rogan episode made famous. But if you need overwhelming proof, here it is:

I Am An Elitist Asshole

My favorite book last year was Cormac McCarthy's The Road.

Now I find out Oprah has picked it for her Book Club.

And the thought of that makes me sad and angry.

For I am an Elitist Asshole.

Sports Are Gay

Or maybe not.