Ikea Sucks

So, with my tax refund in my pocket, I decide it's time for once to not be a cheapskate and to finally spend good money on a good mattress. Don't get me wrong, we're not talking some sort of $1500 extravaganza pushed on me by some car dealer-esque bed salesman. We're still talking about me; the cheap gene was in check, but it was still there, so I headed off to Ikea.

The top of the line Ikea mattress is the Sultan Hasselback, and it's quite the deal at $400. But I spend $400 in one chunk almost never. So I did my homework. I've researched it online. I've tried it out in store. I like it. I want it. And now, thank you Uncle Sam, I can get it. I'm pretty excited.

Step 1.

I call Ikea.

“Do you have the Sultan Hasselback in stock”.

“Yes, we have 25 of them”.

“Rad.”

But then reality hits, I don't have a truck. I have no friends available who have a truck. I am too cheap to pay the $80 Ikea delivery fee. There's an Enterprise phone at Ikea, but it's Sunday, and Enterprise is closed. U-Haul? That's thirty bucks or more after mileage and gas, but it still beats $80. But I hate that hassle, so let me try something first.

Step 2.

I post an ad on Craigslist offering any schmo with a truck $30 to haul my mattress from Ikea to East Sacramento. Soon after, I get a call. Awesome. This may work out after all.

Step 3.

So, I go to Ikea. I get the bin number to my mattress. My driver calls...he's there, ready to go. Awesome. I go to the bin where the mattress should be. It's empty. Fucking great. After a moment of panic, I ask a worker if they have them in stock. She looks it up. Sure enough, they have 25. She looks on the shelf. None. She tells me that since they are not on the shelf, that means they need to be taken down with a forklift. And, for safety reasons, they do not run forklifts during open hours. I tell her I hired someone to meet me here. She says I am more than welcome to come back when they close, or pay the $80 for home delivery.

Step 4.

Pissed.

At this point, I am confused and angry. Do they really not want my $400. I've seen people drop thousands at Ikea, so obviously they don't understand that this is kind of a big deal to me. But I must say, I've never tried to buy something that costs $400, that was IN STOCK, and been turned away, empty handed, and without apologies or any attempt to make me leave the store happy. And I did not leave the store happy.

Have you ever been in Target or something, and you shop around, and you pick up this and that and that and this and as you keep shopping a voice pipes up in your head, “Hey, do you really need all this shit?” Usually the answer is no, and you make another lap around the store, putting back all the shit in your cart. That's me. If you give me room to doubt a purchase, it will be doubted, and 8 times out of 10, I won't buy. I'm about at that point with this Ikea bullshit.

If you know me, you know I love Ikea. And until today, I've had only positive experiences. So, I'll give them one chance to make this situation right. I called corporate, and they are supposed to get back to me in 24-48 hours. At a bare minimum I expect free home delivery of my mattress. I'll let you know what happens, and if I should change the title of this post.