You Stay Classy, San Diego

Holy Christ, what a shitty day to be a fan of San Diego sports.

The Padres, needing to win one out of two to make the playoffs, lose both, forcing a one game playoff against the Rockies, who have apparently joined the Phillies in selling their souls to Beelzebub. The Rockies historic momentum vs. the Padres' trainwreck. Color me not optimistic.

And then the Chargers. The shitty, shitty Chargers. They are now officially one of the worst teams in football. The offensive line blows. There's zero pass rush. The secondary is a joke. Norv Turner is a loser. There's all sort of infighting. Philip Rivers is completely gun shy.

And the play calling....jeeeeeezus. 2-yard passes on 3rd and 10? 20-yard passes on 3rd and two? Explain that to me. 1st and goal inside the 10 yard line, you throw four straight passes? When you have LT, who is cash money inside the 10? Have you lost your mind?

The Chargers are masters at ruining good things. We fired Bobby Ross after he got us to a Super Bowl, and then we fire Marty Shottenheimer, who got the Chargers out of they grave the dug in the post-Bobby Ross era. We cheap out on re-signing Donnie Edwards. We don't sign a veteran wide receiver. We get some re-treads instead of innovators for coordinators. The attitude seems to be that somehow those were minor things. Obviously not. The Chargers front office basically pissed on all the work that went into getting the team to where they were last year, and they still expect us fans to be grateful. Fuck that.

But firing Norv Turner now would be a start.

Fire Norv Turner now.

Are you shitting me?

With the Padres able to clinch a playoff spot, they have a one run lead in the bottom of the ninth. There is two outs, but the Brewers have a runner on second. The Padres have future Hall Of Famer and all-time saves leader Trevor Hoffman on the mound. One out. That's all the Padres need. And who would ruin the day and possibly the season for the Padres?

TONY GWYNN.

Well Tony Gwynn, Jr, to be precise. But to have the son of your franchise's greatest player be the one to stick it in your eye si just, well, weird.

This has been a really strange couple of weeks to be a Padres fan.

Get 'em tomorrow, boys.

Do we have to do this again?

Pretty early on in the 2000 presidential race, the discussion turned from policy to just about anything but policy. Basically, it was just an opportunity to mock Al Gore for just about everything EXCEPT his policies. The media was a key culprit in this childishness, and as a result, we got debates about Al Gore's clothing, his role in inventing the internet, Love Story being in part based on him, the way he pronounced and repeated "lock box", his facial expressions during the debates, and so on and so on.

The result of this foolishness, of course, was that Al Gore was seen as a clown worthy of derision and George Bush, amazingly, was portrayed as the good 'ol boy manly man Texas rancher who you'd want to "have a beer with," despite his northeastern roots and Ivy League education. And that ridiculous media created narrative had a large part in getting George Bush elected.

And that turned out very well, right?

So, I sort of assumed the media might have learned it's lesson, and we could could get serious about electoral politics. The 2004 came around, and we still had the same foolishness, but this time the majority of it was left to those who had a right: comedians. Yes, John Kerry could be long winded in explaining simple matters, and yes he was married to a ketchup heiress, but I don't remember harped on by the mainstream media as much as Al Gore's clothing choices and facial expressions.

In the meantime, Al Gore's image has been rehabilitated somewhat, mainly because he was right about, oh, everything he ever said. So maybe there is hope that this go around "serious" journalist will focus on issues. We have an unpopular war, a mortgage crisis, the dollar is losing its value, Osama bin Ladin is still out there, Russia seems to be backsliding into authoritarianism, Iran, North Korea, China, I could go on and on.

So with all that, can you imagine how silly it would seem if journalists started wasting space writing about trivial matters like, hmm, let me think of an example....let's say, Hillary Clinton's laugh?

Oh fucking kill me now.



Fucking grow up.

Ohio State

When the fuck did Ohio State become "THE......Ohio State University"? A lifetime of watching college sports, and Ohio State has always been Ohio State. Suddenly everyone is referring to Ohio State as THE....Ohio State University. Give me a fucking break. Are you trying to lend some sort of class or credibility to the school? Well, you don't fool me Ohio State. You just make me hate you more. Sure whenever my school, THE...California State University, Fresno Bulldogs, plays you we get our asses kicked. But THE....University of Florida pretty much owns you. THE...fact of the matter is that you're a bunch of a-holes.

Iran

At Salon, Juan Cole lays out clearly everything I've been thinking about this Iranian nonsense.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's visit to New York to address the United Nations General Assembly has become a media circus. But the controversy does not stem from the reasons usually cited.

The media has focused on debating whether he should be allowed to speak at Columbia University on Monday, or whether his request to visit Ground Zero, the site of the Sept. 11 attack in lower Manhattan, should have been honored. His request was rejected, even though Iran expressed sympathy with the United States in the aftermath of those attacks and Iranians held candlelight vigils for the victims. Iran felt that it and other Shiite populations had also suffered at the hands of al-Qaida, and that there might now be an opportunity for a new opening to the United States.

Instead, the U.S. State Department denounced Ahmadinejad as himself little more than a terrorist. Critics have also cited his statements about the Holocaust or his hopes that the Israeli state will collapse. He has been depicted as a Hitler figure intent on killing Israeli Jews, even though he is not commander in chief of the Iranian armed forces, has never invaded any other country, denies he is an anti-Semite, has never called for any Israeli civilians to be killed, and allows Iran's 20,000 Jews to have representation in Parliament.

[...]

The neoconservatives are even claiming that the United States has been at war with Iran since 1979. As Glenn Greenwald points out, this assertion is absurd. In the '80s, the Reagan administration sold substantial numbers of arms to Iran. Some of those beating the war drums most loudly now, like think-tank rat Michael Ledeen, were middlemen in the Reagan administration's unconstitutional weapons sales to Tehran. The sales would have been a form of treason if in fact the United States had been at war with Iran at that time, so Ledeen is apparently accusing himself of treason.

The Worst Song I Know, Too

I completely, totally, 100% agree with Idolator, this is my least favorite song ever.

Cash in, you hoser

Remember when you used to joke about Canadian money? Like when you'd get a Canadian dime or something?

Well, in another sign of how WONDERFULLY FANTASTICALLY AWESOME RAD GNARLY the U.S. economy is, the Canadian dollar is now equal to the U.S. dollar.

God Bless America

Man, what a disheartening, embarrassing couple of weeks to be an American.

• Outrage ensues when Kathy Griffin, a comedienne, made a joke at the Emmy's, saying, "A lot of people come up here and thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus. This award is my God now!" Fox News went on and on about how wrong it is to offend Jesus, assuming a) everybody believes Jesus is Lord and therefore cannot be joked about, and b) that, supposing Jesus IS Lord, he doesn't have a sense of humor. The truly bewildering moment came when the offended ones made parallels to Muslim outrage over the Dutch cartoonist last year, like somehow that was an appropriate response which your faith should mimic.

• Sally Fields sparked more right-wing bedwetting at the Emmy's for daring to say, brace yourselves for this venomous anti-American tirade, "Let's face it, if the mothers ruled the world, there would be no goddamned wars in the first place." Now, is that complete vapid, simplistic political rhetoric? Absolutely. Worthy of outrage? If you're a vapid, simplistic moron, yeah.

• Then we have the fucking Congress. Last year, before the Democrats controlled Congress, Democratic Senator Jim Webb, Vietnam Vet, proposed a sensible amendment to a defense spending bill that simply states that is a soldier is stationed a year overseas, he or she is guaranteed at least a year scheduled at home. Needing 60 votes*, it was defeated, 56-41. This year it was submitted again, and with the Democrats in control of Congress...it failed again, 56-44. Fuck Republicans for being such dicks to the troops, and fuck Democrats for failing to gain even one more vote than last time. Way to flex those muscles!

• In a WTF? moment, all of cable news was obsessed with it, the President was asked to comment on it, and the Senate actually took the time to pass a bill condemning it. What is "it"? A fucking advertisement. Holy Christ. And it passed 72-25! Your tax dollars at work. (Also, note to everyone, Petraeus is not Jesus Christ incarnate. He is capable of political manipulation. Or is a coincidence he's always on Fox News?)

• The WAR WITH IRAN bandwagon continues to roll, fueled by absolute ignorance and stupidity. Anyone who understands the way shit works in Iran knows that President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is just a figurehead. HE HAS NO POWER. The mullahs have the power. Yet we keep reacting to everything Ahmadinejad says or does like somehow he's Iran's "decider". And then when he does try to use his figurehead position to possibly create an avenue for positive dialogue with the U.S., like laying a wreath at ground zero, we react like dicks, getting in a huff over the fact that our "enemy" wants to do something as evil as show some sympathy. The HORROR! Washington: It's called diplomacy. Someone opens a door like that you take it, run with it, and build on it. Unless of course you are determined to go to war no matter what and therefore cannot have your enemy showing any signs of decency. But that would be ridiculous, right? Right?....Oh. My bad. I forgot.

*Fucking nice how it's now normal to now need 60 votes to pass anything. When the Democrats tried to occasionally filibuster something, they were attacked for their "obstructionism" which threatened to topple the government. Now that Republicans are doing it, it's accepted as business as usual. Ain't that fucking grand?

Complete Oregon Recap

Okay, once again, I drove up to Oregon last week to see a football game, which in reality turned out to be more of a massacre. But now that I'm having an early midlife crisis and own a convertible, I figured the drive would be nice. I was correct.

The letter "O" is pretty much the symbol of the University of Oregon Ducks, the team I was going to watch my Fresno State Bulldogs play.



So, the first ominous sign of what was to come occurred almost immediately after crossing the California-Oregon border. I looked to my left, and although the pic doesn't show it in all its glory, the clouds parted in almost a perfect "O" with the sun shining through it. Great. God is a Ducks fan.



As stated before, I stayed in Grant's Pass, two hours south of Eugene, my eventual destination. I travel in class, and I'm happy to report Motel 6 still has the greatest bedspreads ever. You can keep your Marriot's and Hyatt's, and Hilton's. Motel 6 leaves the light on for me, bitches.



I drank a lot, A LOT, of Dutch Brothers coffee. How could I not? Everywhere you turned you saw these stands tempting you:



As I said before, there are no Starbucks in Grant's Pass, and I only saw one in Eugene. With out be too snobbish, I'll just say this was quite refreshing.

The other pleasant culinary surprise was that I managed to find San Diego style Mexican food in Oregon. Weird, eh? If you know me you know that one of the great voids in my life in Sacramento is the lack of a decent San Diego taco shop style burrito (San Diego burrito = lots of meat, salsa, guacamole, Sacramento style = little meat, lots of rice and beans). So I went to this place called Mucho Gracias, not expecting much. But when I saw an "Oregon Burrito" on the menu, I began to think it could be my lucky day. See, in San Diego, the California burrito (carne asada, potatoes, cheese, and salsa) is a staple. So I asked what was in an Oregon burrito, they answered carne asada, potatoes, cheese, and salsa, a smile creeped across my fat face. Hell yes.

As I left Mucho Gracias, I had to do a double take and run my eyes. Is, that a...no, couldn't be, wait...it is! What the hell?



Skippers? When's the last time you've seen a muhfuggin Skippers?

So it was on to Eugene for the "game". The stadium looks pretty awesome as you walk up to it, enough to make a guy who went to lowly Fresno State awfully jealous.



Here's an hour before kickoff.



This next photo is important for three reasons. Since the zoom on my camera sucks, I will have to explain.



1. The score, an hour before game time, is 0-0. This would be the highlight of the football game for Fresno State fans.

2. Sign for a store called Bi-Mart. They are all over Oregon. I have no idea what they sell, but the fifth grader in me giggles at the possible inventory at Bi-Mart.

3. The best sign in the world. It's for a hardware store called Jerry's. It reads:

"Better Head for Jerry's"

The Jerry's of the world could not agree more.

So the game. Here are the Bulldogs fans, representin', yo:



Here's the rest of the stadium:





Yeah, we were just a little out numbered. And the Ducks fans were well-dressed and loud. What do I mean by well-dressed? Well, Nike founder Phil Knight gives gobs and gobs of money to the University of Oregon, and the Nike influence shows in the quality of fan gear. The various Oregon shirts and gear were pretty damn awesome. Fresno State fans, well, we kinda looked like the founder of Payless Shoe Source was sponsoring us.

Nike vs. Pro Wings. Hmmm, that is actually a good metaphor for the game. It was pretty much over as soon as it began. Oregon was simply much too fast, so it was not a contest, so I won't really comment on it. Here's the one crappy "action" shot I managed. 52-21 Ducks was the final.



But the trip wasn't really about the game. I mean it was, but it wasn't. I knew we would get beat (not that badly though), but it was a convenient excuse to road trip.

So it was back to California, fueled by good burritos, great coffee, and a lot of pee stops.

Holy shit, we're getting our asses handed to us.

Oregon

I drove up to Eugene, Oregon to watch my Fresno State Bulldogs play the Ducks today. It's my first time in Oregon and, My God, what a shithole. It's so fucking ugly.

Of course, I'm kidding. The drive was beautiful and everyone up here is being so nice it's almost hard to root against the Ducks. So far, Oregon has been rad. It could use a few more trees though. Kidding.

Last night I stayed in Grant's Pass. Just a podunk town, but even it was cool. There is coffee EVERYWHERE, and none of it is Starbucks. I didn't see even one. Yet there are these "Dutch Bros" coffee drive thru's everywhere. Really good coffee and really friendly employees. Apparently it's a chain all around the west, but I had never heard of it. If you don't like Dutch Bros, there are about, oh, a billion other coffee choices, in a town of 30,000. None of which are Starbucks. Me likee Oregon.

Ok, I'm heading to the stadium now. I expect Fresno State to lose, but hopefully it'll be a good game and a good time. There will obviously be more later.

Gambling Reconsidered

So, my post last week about my misfortunes betting on football may have been a little misleading, and premature.

Reading it, I probably give the impression that I lost a ton of money and I have a gambling problem. Nah. I know I have bad luck, so it keeps me honest. So I make a ten dollar parlay here, a five dollar Super Teaser there, and some straight up baseball bets. My total amount bet came to $90, and that covered every single football game and most of the baseball games on Sunday.

And yes, my morning DID suck. I lost every single morning game. But at the end of the day, when I took cashed my winning bets in, I got back $102. So for all my bitching and whining, I ended up taking Circus Circus Reno for $12 bucks.

Ha! Look out Vegas, you're next. I'm gonna come drain your ass too, $12 at a time.

Sympathy Cards

What do you write in a symapthy card when they pass it around the office? Usually by the time it gets to me, a third have written "you're in my thoughts and prayers", a third "my deepest sympathies/condolences", and a third "I'm sorry for your loss". So I could join one of those teams, but really, how original is that to be the 20th person to write the same exact thing? I could just sign my name, but that's inadequately sympathetic and reeks of arrogance, like I'm signing an autograph. Or try to come up with something original, which is stressful, trying to come up with something poignant and not-cheesy. So basically, when a sympathy card comes my way, I get a frigging migraine.

Yes, I obviously sweat the small stuff.

Heartbroken

One of my favorite bands, The Muffs, is on my MySpace friends list. So tonight, they post a bulletin that reads:

"Hey all, Kim and her husband Kevin is on Design on a Dime tonight!
They get their office redone and it is a hoot."

HER HUSBAND?!?! NOOOOOOO!!!!

Since I first heard the Muffs, I have had a crush on Kim, so I have purposely never paid attention to or inquired about Kim's marital status because I DIDN'T WANT TO KNOW. But now, hope is dead, the future is bleak, and I feel like this:

Where in the hell did all these Charger fans come from? Where were they during the Ryan Leaf era?

I should not be allowed to bet. Ever.

Forever ever.

Came to Reno for the opening of the NFL season, and yeah, bad idea. At least in the a.m. If you want to get into the mind of how a loser bets on football, here ya go.

The teams that killed me on my parlays were the ones that I went with based on emotion, not brains. For example, I picked the Chiefs over the Texans. Sure the Chiefs were favored, but more importantly, the Texans released David Carr, who went to Fresno State, which is my alma mater, which means they would be cursed with bad luck for cutting a guy from such a prestigious university.

Texans 20
Chiefs 3

FUCK. There went that parlay.

Next up, Patriots vs. Jets. How can you bet against a team as good as the Patriots? Easy. They signed Randy Moss. Randy Moss is an asshole. Therefore, the Patriots would lose.

Patriots 38
Jets 14

Jerry, you're an idiot.

Finally, Falcons vs. Vikings. Easy one. The Falcons lost the dispicable Michael Vick, so they deserve to lose, right? Well, normally, yeah. But I just read some retarded article about how, when they lose an important part of their team, many teams rally around that loss and play better than if that player was still there. I should stop reading so much.

Vikings 24
Falcons 3

By the afternoon games, I had some food in me and was thinking a little more clearly. I won my afternoon parlay by taking the Chargers, Lions, and Seahawks. So that evened things up a little. Then baseball came and the Cardinals, Padres, and A's conspired to fuck me over.

So, next time I say I'm going to Reno/Vegas/Tijuana to "bet on some games", do not let me. Call an intervention if need be. I suck at gambling.

Also, people in Reno are friggin' sketchy.

Trader Joe's: Women are Cows

Saw this at Trader Joe's:



Did I miss a memo? Is it okay to refer to tits as udders now? This is tit cream right? I didn't even know there was such a thing as tit cream. Or udder cream. What the hell is going on at TJ's?

Easy Answers to Easy Questions

Q: Which Iraq War Do You Want to End?

A. All of them.

(Apologies for stealing Atrioseseses gimmick)

That's My Bush

What an embarrassment.

President Bush had a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day at the Sydney Opera House.

He'd only reached the third sentence of Friday's speech to business leaders, on the sidelines of the Asia-Pacific Economic Cooperation forum, when he committed his first gaffe.

"Thank you for being such a fine host for the OPEC summit," Bush said to Australian Prime Minister John Howard.

Oops. That would be APEC, the annual meeting of leaders from 21 Pacific Rim nations, not OPEC, the cartel of 12 major oil producers.

Bush quickly corrected himself. "APEC summit," he said forcefully, joking that Howard had invited him to the OPEC summit next year (for the record, an impossibility, since neither Australia nor the U.S. are OPEC members).

The president's next goof went uncorrected — by him anyway. Talking about Howard's visit to Iraq last year to thank his country's soldiers serving there, Bush called them "Austrian troops."

That one was fixed for him. Though tapes of the speech clearly show Bush saying "Austrian," the official text released by the White House switched it to "Australian."

Then, speech done, Bush confidently headed out — the wrong way.

He strode away from the lectern on a path that would have sent him over a steep drop. Howard and others redirected the president to center stage, where there were steps leading down to the floor of the theater.

Looting the Dollar Store

This article brings up an interesting question:

If you were allowed to take as much stuff as you wanted for free from the dollar store, would your cart look any different than if you went shopping and actually paid for your stuff?

To everyone who bought an i-phone and is now complaining that Apple dropped the price

HA HA.

Is Obama Black Enough?

I keep hearing this ridiculous question being asked on the news channels. I must be missing something. Is Obama black enough? Hmmm, let's see who we've elected (or, in some cases, who the Supreme Court has elected):



Yeah, not being black enough seems to be a real big problem being elected.

So let me ask: Is Hillary female enough?



Is Bill Richardson Hispanic enough?



Let's cut the bullshit: the obvious question for a presidential candidate in the United States is if they are male enough or white enough. Sad but true. Not being white or male is a huge handicap, so quit pretending otherwise.