how to eat at chipotle: counterpoint

Spencer Lund at The Awl gives his instructions for ordering at Chipotle. Go read it. There's some good advice in there, but....

Spencer, you ignorant slut.

1. Ordering a burrito bol is quite acceptable, with the following caveats:

• You must order chips to make your own Chipole Nachos.
• You must order ALL of the salsas and hot sauces. And then add some Tabasco Chipotle. 

The lots of cheese and sour cream advice stays, though. Some Chipotle employees are fucking tight with the dairy, though it was worse when McDonald's had a large stake in the company.

2. Chicken is quite acceptable.

I do see where Spencer is coming from, but Chipotle's chicken kinda kicks ass, and their steak is sometimes chewy as a motherfucker. Barbacoa should always be the first choice, though. 

3. Pinto beans over black beans. Every. Single. Time.

What's this about pinto beans being healthy? THEY ARE SEASONED WITH BACON. Blacks beans are like a 90's thing. I honestly do not remember encountering a black bean before 1995. They're not terrible, but pinto is the time-tested classic. Don't be fooled. 

4. If possible, sneak in your own Tapatio.

Why Chipotle carries Tabasco is something I will never understand. 

5. NO FUCKING LETTUCE.

Here, let me water down your flavorful bol/burrito with something that adds absolutely nothing. BTW, this also applies for In'N'Out. 

6. NO FUCKING GUACAMOLE.

We're eating at Chipotle, obviously we're not swimming in money. $2.50? Get the fuck out of here. That's over 40% of the price of the rest of the burrito. 

6. They have limes, free soda water, and sweet 'n' lo. Skip the soda and make a ghetto lime drink.

7. You're welcome.