Captain Morgan, The Jetblue Pooper

So last week I flew to Long Beach to pick up a car I bought on eBay. This post is not about my new yuppiemobile, but the flight down.

It was my first time flying Jetblue, and I was pretty impressed. More legroom than I've ever had on a flight, I got to watch the Daily Show and Colbert Report on the built in TV's, and even the snacks (come sort of blue potato chip) were damn yummy. Oh, and they give you the whole can of soda, not that 1/3 cup thing Southwest gives you.

Okay, so Jetblue, thumbs up. Fellow passengers, however, thumbs down.

First of all, the flight from Sacramento to Long Beach is an hour. One hour. 60 minutes. So, I make sure to use the bathroom before we leave. I figure if I do need to pee, I can hold it. I mean, jeez, the flight is one hour. Right after we took, it was almost time to land.

I was apparently alone in that thinking. The front bathroom was busy non-stop from the second the seatbelt light went off to when it went back on. At times the line was two deep.

So while I'm contemplating what the hell is going on, I keep hearing this awful snorting behind me. Not snoring, and not sniffling and whatnot due to illness. I'm talking full-on I've-been-snorting-coke-for-15-years type snorting. I have no idea if this dude was actually a coke-head, I'm just trying to give you a frame of reference. So, yeah, that's pretty disgusting.

But then the dude gets up to, guess what? Use the bathroom. Oh, and he's wearing a disgusting fucking tank top. So he goes in, and around the time a normal person would be coming out....he's still in there. So, now there's a woman waiting to use the facilities. Eventually, he comes out, she goes in...AND COMES RIGHT THE FUCK BACK OUT. Like a superball or something. She looks disgusted, goes and talks to the attendants. One of the attendants goes into the bathroom, COMES RIGHT BACK OUT, and actually says, "Oh my God, that's sooo bad!" This incites a bout of laughter between the attendants. One heads back to the bathroom with her hand over her mouth and some sort of industrial Lysol. She goes to town in there, the sound of aerosol fills the air.

Now, keep in mind, I'm in the second row, and the Dude is in the third row, so A) No one has any doubt as to what happened and who caused it, and B) we can hear and see all this rigmarole over the incident. There are no secrets at 35,000 feet.

Meanwhile the disgusting snorting continues until we land. The Tank-Topped One proceeds to practically push people out of the way. Where is he in such a rush to go? To the baggage claim. Because everyone know that if you get there first, your luggage comes out first. Right. So of course we have to wait, at which point I decide I must photograph this dude for you, loyal reader. Ladies and gentleman, I bring you, the face of America:

(Mark has dubbed him Captain Morgan. Ahahahahaha)