Dear Mark

Sorry about the World Series, bro.

But was that the Detroit Tigers or the Lemoore Tigers?

When I think of playing baseball in high school, here's how the typical opponents at bat went:

1. Opposing batter hits a ground ball to our shortstop.
2. Shortstop throws to first, but throw is in the dirt.
3. First baseman cannot field the throw, ball goes back to the fence.
4. Batter, already safe at first, rounds second and heads toward third.
5. Right fielder gets the passed ball, tries to throw runner out at third.
6. The throw is way off target, heads into left field.
7. Runner heads home and scores.
8. Tigers 0, Opponents 1.

(Repeat steps 1-8 for 7 innings, head to bus to make Mike Schmidt jokes)

That's about what the Detroit Tigers looked like. Not to kick you when you're down, but that was the worst played baseball I've seen since...since...since, well since the Cardinals beat the Padres a few weeks ago. The shitty play is amplified when suddenly the formerly shitty Cardinals can suddenly do no wrong and look like the most professional team to ever put on a uniform. 

What I'm trying to say is, I feel your pain. Welcome to my hell.

Greedy (& Blind) Bastards

I have no business degree and I have never run a business, but sometimes business decisions are so dumb and shortsighted that it makes me believe that a business degree is about as valuable as a bag of liquid shit.

Comedy Central has decided to force YouTube to remove all content from The Daily Show, Colbert Report, and South Park from its site.

They just don't get it. It seems so 1980's for media companies to try and control 100% of their content 100% of the time. It reeks of stubbornness and a refusal to deal with new technology in a creative thoughtful way.

I mean, imagine how many viewers of The Daily Show and The Colbert Report became viewers based on watching YouTube clips that they first saw posted on blogs or friends' MySpace pages? I don't have raw data, but common freaking sense tells me it's not unsubstantial. It's absolutely free advertising and a huge opportunity, yet Comedy Central chooses to see it as a threat.

Here's my personal evidence of how YouTube can lure in more viewers for a show. I stopped watching Saturday Night Live a long time ago. It just became unbearably lame. But then I saw that "Lazy Sunday" sketch (you know, the Chronic- What? cles of Narnia) on YouTube, and thought, "Hmmm, maybe the show has gotten better." So I tuned in for a few weeks. Unfortunately, I realized the show still sucked, but YouTube got me to at least reconsider.

If YouTube as a business opportunity can't convince Comedy Central to alter their plans, maybe patriotism will. My wonderful niece, the best person in the world, is stationed in Iraq. Iraq is obviously not the most happy place in the world. But soldiers do occasionally have internet access, and maybe watching a YouTube clip here or there for shits and giggles and a reminder of "normal" life makes it a little bit more bearable.

Anyways, using YouTube to your advantage just seems incredibly obvious to me. But as with most things, "the suits at corporate" have managed to fuck it up.

Comedy Central, you're on notice. 

Pelosiphobia

The Best Blog In The World always finds the proper way to phrase things:

If the Democrats take control of the house, what will they do? How will they govern? What will be their priorities? There are noble, multi-point plans to be had, important proposals prioritized, wonkishness galore. But seriously, who cares? They could devote one hundred percent of their time to Boggle tournaments and trips to White Castle and they’d STILL run a better government than the GOP has.

Dear Rush: Fuck You

I don't blog politically as much as I used to because, I mean, what more can I say? If you don't get how devoid of all morality the Republican party is by now, well there's not a lot I can do to convince you . Now, the Democrats aren't as pure as snow, but next to the majority of Right Wingers in power, they look like a bunch of Mother Theresas. But before I completely give up, I must point out the reprehensible behavior of one of the heroes of the Conservative movement: Rush Limbaugh.

Okay, let's set this up. One of the issues on the table on election day in Missouri is whether or not the state will fund research on embryonic stem cell research. One side (usually Democrats) feels that embryonic stem cells hold a lot of promise for curing diseases like Parkinson's and Alzheimer's. The other side (usually Republicans with some key exceptions like Nancy Reagan [hmm, wonder why?]) feel that using the couple of hundred frozen cells which fertility clinics will eventually throw away for embryonic stem cell research is the same thing as abortion (It's embryonic stem cell research, not fetal stem cell research, so please know the difference and don't let the Right confuse you, and oh, they will try and confuse you). Democratic Senate candidate Claire McCaskill supports funding, Republican incumbent Jim Talent opposes it.

Michael J. Fox, who has Parkinson's disease, shot an ad for McCaskill. Here is the ad, in which Fox's symtoms are in full effect.



Here is Rush Limbaugh commenting on the ad.



I shouldn't have to add anything. But I will.

Rush, you fat fucking slob piece of shit, there are millions of us who have had family members who have succumbed to Parkinson's. First of all, asshole, do a little research. Parkinson's is a disease which causes people to stiffen up, hence the fixed stare and shuffled gait of it's victims. It's the medicine which causes the jerky movement. I watched Parkinson's and Parkinson's related dementia turn my father, a humble Air Force veteran who loved to golf into a shell of his former self who no longer recognized his family. Was he faking it Rush? Did he fake his death, you callous son-of-a-bitch? Anyone, and I mean ANYONE, who tries to defend Rush on this is dead to me. That includes family. That includes friends. On certain issues, lines in the sand are drawn, and this is one of them.

Okay, as I calm down, watch this commercial.

Dick Cheney does not support the troops.

Well, it's official.

Dick Cheney has absolutely no problem if U.S.
soldiers are captured and waterboarded. To Cheney, waterboarding is not
torture. Using waterboarding as an interrogeration techique is a
"no-brainer" for Cheney.

So, think of a soldier. You may know one. You may love one. Now imagine
this scenario. Your soldier is on a plane, flying near North Korea. The
plane has engine trouble and makes an emergency landing in North Korea.
The North Korean military seizes the plane and detains the soldiers. The
North Korean government decides it wants to make the soldiers talk about
their mission and spill any secrets they may or may not have.

They take your soldier. They strap him to a board. His legs are
slightly higher than his head. They hold a cloth tightly around his
face. They pour water over the cloth on his face, which makes breathing
difficult. The soldiers gag reflex is stimulated as he feels closing to
drowning and death.

If this were to happen to a U.S. soldier, Dick Cheney would not object.
It's a "no brainer" to him that this is okay.

Whenever this administration or any of its cult followers try to argue
what kinds of torture, and make no mistake, it IS torture, should be
allowed on our enemies, mentally substitute "U.S. soldiers" for
"enemies".

Maybe then you'll see the monsters we are becoming.

Keep it like a secret

Conrad Burns, International Man Of Mystery:

Sen. Conrad Burns said at a debate Tuesday night that President Bush does have a plan for winning the war in Iraq, but he isn’t about to share it with the world.

“He says our president don’t have a plan. I think he’s got one. He’s not going to tell everyone in the world....We’re not going to tell you what our plan is, Jon, because you’re just going to go out and blow it.”

Yes, indeed, Conrad Burns, he's the Man With A Plan. Apparently the brilliant secret plan Burns & Bush have concocted includes stuff like this:

Eleven U.S. soldiers were killed in Iraq, the U.S. military said on Wednesday, in one of the sharpest spikes in attacks on American forces battling soaring sectarian violence and a Sunni Arab insurgency.

The bloodshed brings to at least 69 the number of U.S. troops killed in October so far, an exceptionally high toll that is likely to bring renewed attention to the Iraq war in the run-up to U.S. congressional elections in November.

You know what? I have a better plan....I call it, "Let's Get The Fuck Out Of Dodge". It's time to come home.

Right wingers, if it makes you feel more macho, you can go ahead and call me a "Cut And Runner". I don't care. I could give a shit about the stupid war of labels and name calling being waged by a bunch of gutless geeks with keyboards. But if it "cutting" and "running" saves 69 lives of American soldiers next month, I'll wear that label with pride.

One Small Step...

Space belongs to us, bitches.

President Bush has signed a new National Space Policy that rejects future arms-control agreements that might limit U.S. flexibility in space and asserts a right to deny access to space to anyone "hostile to U.S. interests."

Suck on it, rest of the world.

The NFL's Campaign To Make Me Hate Football

NFL, I want to like you, I really do, but you are going out of your way to make me hate you. Let me count the ways.

1. Tony Kornheiser.

2. Joe Theismann.

3. Mike Tirico.

4. Chris Berman.

5. Michael Freakin' Irving.

6. John Madden.

7. Al Michaels.

8. Halftimes featuring world premeire of Jay-Z videos.

9. Jay-Z Beer Commercials.

10. That Pink song that starts Sunday Night football on NBC.

11. That robot thing "warming up" graphic on Fox. Am I six years old?

12. That commercial that depicts LaDanian Tomlinson throwing a touchdown pass in high school (a. LaDanian's team is about twice as big as their opponents, making me root for the opponents b. The thuggish posing after said pass) .

13. East Coast bias.

14. Eagles fans.

15. Steelers fans.

16. Raiders fans.

17. NFL Soap Operas (Terrell owens, etc)

18. Pretending the Bears are the greatest team of all time already.

19. The Chargers not always wearing their throwbacks.

20. Brett Favre fetishization.

I'm A Scumbag, Vote For Me!

What a weird election season. Apparently, the Republican strategy is a strange combination of apologies and lying. Think it'll work?

Check out these ads:


Tom Reynolds: "I'm sorry that knew Mark Foley was hitting on pages and yet I did nothing, but that's bad, so I'm going to just lie to your face about it."



Don Sherwood: "Sure, I was cheating on my wife, but I never beat my mistress."

Bad Cop, No Donut

I just read a New Yorker article on Richard McNair, a convicted murderer who has escaped from custody three times. The last time was in 2005 in Louisiana. In April 2006, he was stopped by a cop while "jogging" on some railroad tracks and was able to sweet talk his way out of suspicion. Their conversation was caught by a dashboard camera.

And now, God Bless YouTube, we have video.

Ladies and Gentleman, this is what you call grace under pressure.

Some highlights:

Escapee's name evolves from Robert Jones to Jimmy Jones, cop doesn't notice.

The cop jokingly tells escapee that he's "matching up" to the escaped convicts profile. Ya think?

Cop tells escapee he's not the escapee, because if he was the escapee, he'd have "run by now", right?

McNair makes up the town of Titusville, where he's staying at the (also made up) Titus Inn.

Says his eyes are "turqouise-blue", but cop doesn't actually verify.

The New Yorker article makes a good point: The cop's ineptitude may have saved his life. It's pretty clear McNair is quick on his feet, and if he thought the cop was becoming suspicious to the point of arrest, he may have either ran, or worse yet, made a move for the cops gun.

Refuse! Resist!

Dude, when me and my friends were kids, we got our kicks playing air guitar to Motley Crue's "Live Wire", using Folgers cans for drums and tennis rackets for guitar/bass.

What we were NOT doing was actually playing instruments and rocking out to Sepultura's "Refuse/Resist" so hard that we broke our guitar strings.

And yet...

The blame game

Republicans continue to try and blame Democrats for Republican problems. Ridiculous.

Republican Mark Foley tries to get into the pants of underage pages, well of course it's the Democrats fault. Duh. Evidence, schmevidence, as Wolf Blitzer found out.

Blitzer: Well you don't have any evidence though, right?

Rep. McHenry: Well look at the fact points...four weeks out from a national election...

Blitzer: Yes or no: do you have any evidence? Do you have any evidence Congressman?

Rep. McHenry: Do you have any evidence that says they weren't involved?

Wow. Them Law & Order cops and lawyers should take evidence lessons in evidence 101 from Rep. McHenry.

Defense Attorney: Do you have any evidence at all that shows my client murdered the victim?

Prosecutor McHenry: Do you have any evidence he didn't?

Defense Attorney: Your honor, this is a travesty of our legal system, and I say.....

Prosecutor McHenry (fingers in ears): la la la la la la la la la la la la

Michelle Malkin WILL NOT SUBMIT

Comedy fucking gold.

Michelle Malkin, the enlightened one who defamed every person in Dearborn, Michigan by calling it "Dearbornistan";

Michelle Malkin, the tolerant one who defamed Ali Houssaiky and Osama Sabhi Abulhassan by insinuating they were terrorists when in reality they were simply were trying to make a few bucks in the cell phone black market;

Michelle Malkin, the rational one who defames Hispanics by claiming that a majority of them are involved in a plot to re-conquer the Southwest for Mexico;

Yes THAT Michelle Malkin, because someone did a photoshop of her, has a warning for you:

Many in the blogosphere may think reckless Internet defamation is acceptable "free speech" that should never be squelched, but in the offline world, average Americans serving on a jury have a different view.

Then she links to some silly story and highlights this quote:

"People are using the Internet to destroy people they don't like, and you can't do that."

Well, Michelle, if you agree with that line of thought then it would appear you’re shit out of a job. You're not satisfied with defaming mere individuals, you defame entire populations.

The Departed

Go see it. Trust me.

RIP Buck O'Neil

Buck O'Neil died last week at the age of 94. His contributions on the field could have arguably gotten him in the Hall of Fame. His contributions off of it, a pioneer of the Negro League who became the worlds greatest advbocate for Negor League players, made it a no brainer. Yet, he didn't. It remains a mystery why he never got in, but it is to baseball's eternal shame that he didn't. And now that he is dead, you can bet there will be a push to get him in posthumously. That will not be justice. Baseball is a great game, with a great history, great fans, and great players. But it is run by clueless jackasses, and this includes the Hall Of Fame committee.

Gary Carter is in the Hall of Fame.

Buck O'Neil is not.

I will never forgive baseball for this, no matter how they try to exploit it in the future.

Here are some links to learn more about the man.

Wikipedia
Sports Illustrated
McClatchy

Costco Observation #12154

Who over the age of 12 and not named Ricky Borba puts ONLY ketchup on a hot dog?

A hot dog without mustard is un-American, end of story.

R.I.P. 2006 Bulldogs, Padres, Yankees

Sports weekend in review:

Alright, let's begin with college football. I think I'm already done with college football for the year. Fresno State lost to Utah State, one of the worst teams in all of college football.

Losing to Oregon in Week 2? Well, Oregon is pretty good.

Losing to Washington in week 3? Man, really could've, should've have had that one.

Losing to Colorado State in week 4? Uhhh, guys? What the hell is going on?

Losing to Utah State in week 5? Lock up the medicine cabinet and razor blades!

The only lower point in Fresno State history that I can remember is when we got drilled by Northern Illinois 73-18 (We got revenge the next year, 55-7). I'll still pay attention to Fresno State and catch whatever games I can, but unlike most years, my Saturdays are now open. If there's something better to do, I'll do it.

On to baseball.

The Padres won saturday to force a game four. Yay! They lost game four. Boo! Too many mental mistakes, not enough offense. End of story. I was happy to see them get at least one win, and although I am disappointed, I'm not devastated or anything. It was a great year, and I'm already stoked for next year. Also, Albert Pujols is the best player in baseball, but Jesus, the umps do not call anything not down the middle of the plate a strike against him. His strike zone is about the size of a can of tuna. I also came away very impressed with Cards 2B Ron Belliard. He's a tubby dude dude who looks like he's Straight Outta Compton. We could get nothing by that pudgy fucker at 2B. If not for Pujols, he'd be the series MVP, just for his glovework.

So it was up to the Chargers to salvage anything from the weekend. They came up big time, beating the defending Super Bowl Champion Pittsburgh Steelers. Martyball is hopefully dead and gone, as Phillip Rivers was on fire, awkward delivery and all. I watched this game at the Grad in Davis, since it and the Padres game were on at the same time, so I needed the double big screen effect. It is now official: Steelers fans are really, really, really, really, really, really obnoxious and annoying.

The other positives for the weekend came from who lost.

The Detroit Tigers eliminated the Yankees from the baseball playoffs, and whenever the Yankees lose, 3/4 of baseball fans are overjoyed and the world is a brighter, better place.

And the Raiders got trounced by the 49ers. Getting trounced by the 49ers in say, 1994, is completely forgiveable. In 2006, it's high fucking comedy.

Torture

This should be banned under the Geneva Conventions.

The Padres are killig me. This is embarassing to watch. In 1996, we made the playoffs, only to be swept by the Cardinals. Last year same thing. Out postseason record against the Cardinals stood at 0-6. So of course, this year, we get to play the fucking Cardinals.

I was shocked to see some people acdtually pick the Padres to win this series. Yeah, the Cardinals have been pretty bad this year and almost ended the year with a historic collapse, but they are still the Cardinals and we are still the Padres. Yes, I know the players are all different, so it shouldn't matter, yet it does.

It doesn't help that we, and as a sports fan I am allowed to use "we" instead of "the Padres", play like liquid shit when we face the Cards. The fact that with a runner on base Albert Pujols sees even one pitch in the strike zone defies comprehension. Yet, again and again, he does. We can't hit, especially in th clutch, and mental mistakes in the field are killing us.

Right now, we're down 2-0 in the middle of the 7th, yet even in the fifth inning it feet like an impossible task. It might as well be 15-0.

On top of this, I get to listen to Chris Berman call the game, which is a whole other circle of hell. When I was in high school, I thought Berman was the shit. Now I think he is a steaming pile of shit. Tuesday, referring to a curveball, he said the pitcher "literally pulled the string." Today he says that the Padres are "appealing to a higher power...literally." Chris Berman is literally a jackass.

I took 3 hours of vacation for this?

Maybe OJ was just an alcoholic

Mark Foley, da Congressman who likes 2 IM w/underage boyz, says he is entering rehab.

This comes a few weeks after Ohio congressman Bob Ney entered rehab after pleading guilty to taking bribes from Jack Abramoff.

Bribes? Pedophilia? Going to rehab because you actually have a problem with alcohol is like, so, 2005.

By the way, this IM exchange between Foley and the Poor Man is the funniest thing I've read all week.

Steelers Win Superbowl XL!

Why is Matthew Drudge reporting shit that happened over a year ago as breaking news?

Guess that's what you focus on when you don't want to report that one of your fellow Republicans was trying to fuck little boys.

Martyball strikes again

You're going to hear all about how great Steve Mcnair was in bringing the Ravens back to beat the Chargers. It's total crap. McNair was good, but not great, and the Chargers, ONCE A-FUCKING-GAIN, have only themsleves to blame for the loss. How many times do I have to see the Chargers lose to an inferior team before something is done?

The Chargers were quite obviously the better team, but Marty Schottenheimer decided to go ultra-conservative in the second half (I could care less about field position, I don't have a problem with throwing from the end zone). As is Schottenheimer's modus operandi, the Chargers were more content with trying to protect a lead than padding a lead. Besides the six points left on the field through botched and missed field goals, in the second half, the Chargers ran 33 running plays and called 9 passing plays. And even that is misleading, because 5 of those pass plays occured in the last minute, when San Diego was behind and desperate.

Dude, you spent a half trying to protect a six point lead? Fer chrissakes at least get a 9 point lead before giving up on your offense. We tried this strategy against the Raiders, and it worked, because the Raiders would have trouble beating the Chatanooga Locomotion.

I've been sick of losing to teams we should beat for a long time now. And despite his credentials, I would have no problem firing Schottenheimer unless he's willing to grow some third quarter balls.

I'd be a lot more pissed, except that

THE PADRES WIN THE NATIONAL LEAGUE WEST!!!!!