hair metal

A while back, Yahoo ranked the 25 best and worst hair metal bands. Now, I was a teenage metalhead, so every one of these bands is very familiar to me, and of course I have opinions on the matter.

Highlighted are bands who I owned tapes of (flea market tapes count), italicized are bands I saw live, and in some cases, am still trying to forget.  I'm looking at you, Vixen.


25) Winger (suuuuuuuck)
24) L.A. Guns (they were okay, way overrated though)
23) Queensryche (Op Mindcrime and before, yes)
22) Enuff Z'Nuff (that's what I'd say 5 seconds into any of their songs)
21) Hanoi Rocks (I don't really consider them a hair band)
20) Angel (the band I'm least familiar with, cuz they were BO-RING)
19) Loverboy (Get Lucky was good, everything else sucked)
18) Faster Pussycat (yes)
17) Bon Jovi (they probably belong, but they ruined everything and I hated them for it)
16) RATT (one of my faves, they belong)
15) Quiet Riot (post Metal Health sucked)
14) Kix (although people know Blow My Fuse, Midnight Dynamite is what gets 'em on my best list)
13) Vixen (repulsive*)
12) Scorpions (yes, belongs)
11) Cinderella (yes, belongs)
10) Twisted Sister (eh, never did it for me, although as a friend points out, half of their songs could have been Cock Sparrer oi songs).
9) Spinal Tap (funny as hel, but not a legit band)
8) Motley Crue (I would say they get the number one slot)
7) Ozzy Osbourne (not a big fan, but yeah, belongs)
6) Kiss (I worshipped KISS in the first grade, that tells you something)
5) Aerosmith (yeah, I guess)
4) Def Leppard (pre-Hysteria, yes. I still dig High N Dry)
3) New York Dolls (not a fan, but okay)
2) Van Halen (pre-Hagar, vies with Crue for #1, with Hagar/Cherone, one of the worst)
1) Guns n' Roses (also a challenger for #1)
25) Mr. Big (terrible band, rivaled by Bad English)
24) Y&T (nope, one of the best)
23) Bang Tango (not a bad band at all)
22) Shotgun Messiah (horrific*)
21) Lizzy Borden (do not belong on this list, I played the shit out of Visual Lies)
20) Trixter (shitty)
19) Danger Danger (awful*)
18) Autograph (opened for Motley Crue at my first concert, so I have a soft spot)
17) Dokken (one of the best)
16) Bulletboys (eh, they weren't that bad. plus they got "Smooth Up In Ya" into the lexicon)
15) Lita Ford (never liked, but doesn't deserve to be on here)
14) Stryper (absolutely one of the worst, and I owned multiple albums)
13) Great White (yeah, they sucked)
12) Slaughter (near the top of the worst)
11) Giuffria (boring, can't even remember one of their songs)
10) White Lion (yeah, pretty awful, but I was sucked into purchasing it based on "Wait", plus the cool album cover)
9) Damn Yankees (a fucking disaster)
8) Warrant (blew goats)
7) Bad English (apalling*)
6) Europe (dreadful*)
5) Whitesnake (along with Bon Jovi, made hair metal mainstream, so fuck them)
4) W.A.S.P. (nooooo! WASP was rad, there was no better way to be a 7th grade rebel that to wear your WASP codpiece pin on your Member's Only jacket, even if Blackie Lawless turned out to be a lame conservative fuckwad)
3) Extreme (ghastly*)
2) Skid Row (what? one of the best)
1) Poison (this + Skid Row + Dokken = dude who made this list was not actually into hair metal. Like 'em or not, are you gonna seriously deny that shit wasn't catchy as fuck? Never mind that my BFF Mark originally bought the tape before they got big because of the "hot chicks" on the cover, there's no way they were close to the worst.)

Bands who should be on the best list, yet aren't on either list: Black N Blue (probably the most overlooked hair band in history. I have no idea why they weren't huge), Rough Cutt (Paul Shortino's vocals ruled), Dirty Looks (you've never heard of them, but trust me), Tesla (we're talking strictly Mechanical Resonance here, that was a great album), Loudness (or to be politically incorrect, Rowdness).

Looking back, it's all pretty cheesy (although a LOT of people actually thought this was evil, satanic stuff - I'm looking at you, rest of Lemoore not in my clique and not regulars at The Wall). Hanoi Rocks, the New York Dolls, and G&R are the only ones who come close to surviving the test of time. So I'm judging this from through the lens of me at 15. And me at 15 needs to go so he can stay up all night watching Night Flight.

*Props to thesaurus.com

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