6.02.2006

Five More Things That Baffle Me

My weekly piss-and-vinegar-fest.

1. Why hasn’t Dillinger Four put out a studio album since 2002. It’s been four years, guys. I’m dyin’ over here. Feel free to mix in a west coast tour while you’re at it.

2. Dane Cook. Dude is just not that funny. He’s good for a laugh here or there, but it’s mainly style over substance. He’s a second-rate, vulgar version of Brian Regan, and can only dream about having the nuance and edge of a David Cross. So why is he so popular?

3. Napkin Nights/SacScene. You’re over 21, you can afford alcohol, and you have friends. WE GET IT. We don't need photographic evidence of it. Are you that insecure? Oh, and no matter how you wish it were different, Avalon is located in Sacramento, not L.A., not New York, not Las Vegas, but Sacramento. Get over yourselves, scenesters, you're not auditioning for Entourage.

4. Guys insisting on driving cars they do not own. When we took her car, my ex insisted that I drive, because she was a “nervous” driver and didn’t really like to drive. But I would never insist on driving her car because I’m “the guy”, yet I’ve known many guys who had this attitude. Needless to say they were all douchebags.

5. Why Homeland Security is such a pathetic joke. Federal anti-terrorism funding to New York has been cut, because “New York has no national monuments or icons, according to the Department of Homeland Security form obtained by ABC News.” The Empire State Building is just a “tall office building”, the Brooklyn Bridge is just a bridge, and the Statue of Liberty, the United Nations, Stock Exchange, Rockefeller Center, New York Public Library, Times Square, City Hall, The Guggenheim, The Metropolitan Museum and The Museum of Natural History? Eh, you can find that kind of stuff in Anytown, U.S.A.
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