I Don't Pee Right

In his stand up routine, Bobcat Goldthwait used to ask the crowd. “Remember the first time you blew a chimp? Remember the look on its face?” After an awkward silence peppered with nervous laughter, Bobcat would admit, “I never really blew a chimp, I just like the fact that for a second you all were asking yourselves, ‘Did I miss something?’”

Right about now, I feel like maybe I missed something. I was reading a Slate article by Seth Stevenson which praises the superiority of boxer briefs over traditional boxers and tighty whiteys, when I came across the following:

Some boxer shorts seek to rectify this with a button enclosure, but a button is the last thing you care to deal with when you urgently need to urinate. Boxer briefs use the much more effective and user-friendly Y-front.

Um, what? People use that thing? Am I supposed to be using it? I just yank the front of my boxers down, and I have always assumed everybody else did, too. I thought that opening was just a remnant of a bygone era. So I was completely confused, my understanding of how the world works had become wobbly. Then I read this, and my worldview completely shattered:

Trunks have many of the same benefits as boxer briefs, but I can’t understand the lack of a fly opening. Standing at a urinal, you’re forced to reach through the fly of your trousers and pry the trunks’ elastic waistband down with your thumb.

Reach through the fly of your trousers? Do other dudes seriously zip down their fly without undoing the button? Then reach in, and fish their, uh, weiner through the front of their boxers? This seems insane to me. I’ve always understood the process to be: 1) Step up 2) Undo belt and unbutton pants 3) Unzip pants (or unbutton if you have 501’s) 4) pull the front your boxers/briefs/boxer briefs down 5) Let ‘er rip 6) shake off, tuck in, zip up, button, wash your hands and be on your way.

Now I feel like an unsophisticated Neanderthal. Do other people pee classier than I do? Have I been using an inferior urinary method all these years? Is up now down? Is black now white?

Nothing makes sense anymore.